Een paar gedachten gangen van de afgelopen tijd //

Ze zijn op volgende, van de afgelopen twee weken ofzo. Na elke wit-regel een nieuwe gedachte ;)

I remember what my dream was about; there was a death-eater... And I called a Patronus charm.. But it did't work, or it was like super weak.. Weird weird dream. 

I'm so weird.

Hoe can this feel so right when it's so wrong?

Did you ever experienced that weird feeling? That feeling when you get when you look yourself in the eyes in the mirror? That feeling that you have to look away? That you can't stand to look at yourself? Not ashamed, more.. powerless..

Yeah, I have that sometime.

I'm weird 

This summer will be amazing. Every thing will finally be over.

Who am I kidding? I know that's not true. 

More excited to go to the Primark with my bestie, then to study for my math exam... I'm so weird. And stupid.

What's wrong with me?

Langzaam aan groeide er een soort van grijze wolk boven mijn hoofd. Dat heb je soms als je ouders uit elkaar zijn.. En als je ma dan een nieuwe vriend heeft en ze is blij. Je pa ook. Dan heb je soms opeens een grijze wolk boven je hoofd. En soms komt er onweer uit en soms regen. In ieder geval, ik heb dat..

Nu was het een best wel rustige donkere wolk, maar als nog hing hij boven m'n hoofd. 

Het stomme is, je kunt er niks aan doen. Ik wil dat die rot wolk weg gaat, maar hij is net zo koppig als mij. Het is verschrikkelijk. En daarom noem ik 'm Fok. Omdat hij zo verschrikkelijk is. Nog verschrikkelijker dan mij. Want ik was verschrikkelijk en niemand wist precies waarom. Of wat ik deed. Niemand vond mij waarschijnlijk verschrikkelijk. Alleen ik. En m'n moeder soms.

We stopte onder weg.

We dronken koffie en waterige chocolade melk in een vervallen cafeetje langs de kant van de weg.

Het was vreselijk weer en dat voegde niks moois toe aan mijn humeur. 

Ik kreeg mij zin niet. En vond alles kut en klote.

En ik probeerde een dwars kind te zijn. Maar het lukte me niet, want ik was al volwassen genoeg om me ook zo te gedragen. 

Ik wilde mijn zin doordrijven, maar ook dat lukte niet. 

En dus luisterde ik maar gewoon naar mijn muziek van mijn iPod en las ik mijn boek.

Stick to the status quo, zeggen ze dan. Ik haat het. 

Ik wil boos zijn. En schreeuwen. En huilen. En gillen. Omdat het niet hoort zo als het gaat. En het gaat niet zo als het hoort. 

Dat mensen alles vragen is super irritant, en als mensen niks vragen.. Dat is nog veel erger.

The kiss from the dream still lingered on my lips. And I tried to hold on to it.

Because it was everything I always wanted to be.

Life's been pretty tough actually. And sad and stressful. But at the same time good and beautiful and happy..

I was in a bit of a roller coaster as far as emotions go. 

I'm in the middle of my exams.

And I'm not sure at all if I'm going to pass.. So life takes pretty unexpected turns. All the time.

Heb je ook wel eens dat je met dingen zit, niet perse problemen, maar gewoon dingen waardoor je je klote voelt, en dat de personen waar van je wilt dat ze luisteren en interesse tonen, of de mensen die interesse zouden moeten tonen ook al boeit het ze soms geen flikker, dat zij juist de personen zijn die niet luisteren op die momenten.. ? Die aan komen met hun eigen rottigheden en eigen verhalen waarom ze zo'n kut leven hebben, maar gewoon niet naar jou verhaal luisteren? 

Bridge over troubled waters //

I hope you know what this is

it is the wall I created

I cheated and watched how other people did it

and I now I have one too

A wall, big and sturdy

between you and me

I hope you know you can't get here

You can't get through

I build a wall for the better

For protection

for isolation

You came around

You didn't let go

You took down the first stone

and then you got out your pickaxe

You started taking down my wall

At first I was angry

and very upset

But the further you got

the more I let you in

I hope you know what this is

It's the bridge I'm building

It's not much, it's just the start

I hope you know that I build on you

Over all the mess in my life

I'm building for you

I'm building

a bridge over troubled waters

Met dank aan Jaco & Koos Huisman

Shakespeare, literary tattoos, punctuation jokes and more!

Heya, good day to you! You should read this out loud to yourself, that may sound silly, but it's very very beautiful to hear the words out loud. So give it a go:)

"Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices 
That, if I then had waked after long sleep, 
Will make me sleep again; and then in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open, and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again."

En deze: 

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.”

Thank you, Shakespeare for those beautiful words.
(These paragraphs are both cited in movies. The first in The Kings Speech, which was a beautiful movie, my cup of tea really. And the second one in Letters to Juliet. :) Nonetheless they're an awesome piece of work.)


I'm totally not sure if I'm going to pass my exam. And if I don't, I don't graduate - that's a fancy word. 
Oh right, some thoughts of today were: 'I wish I had a vegetarian-vampire-(boy)friend. That would be pretty cool. And of course a vegetarian-vampire father-in-law who is willing to give everything to keep the peace, (because he's so fairly good at it) That would be awesome. Thanks.
((That's just so that we don not break in to a giant crazy shape-shifters&vampire slaughter. Because no one enjoys that. Not even the bad-ass-vampire-'chief' himself. So yeah. We cleared that out. Great.))

Okay, to state the obvious: I like books. And why, you wonder? I like them because you can forget about all your own drama and just crawl into someone else's mind and life and live it. You can just join the ride and everything is already, literally, written out for you.   

I would like a literary tattoo, you know?

;

A Semicolon for example. That would be awesome. Do you know what it means? 
It means that it doesn't end here. Your story isn't over. 
I found this on Wikipedia: 'The modern uses of the semicolon relate either to the listing of items or to the linking of related clauses.'
And someone said this: "They are mysteriously connected to pausing." and "The difference between them is too negligible to be grasped by the brain of man."
I just love it. It's crazy and silly and it doesn't make much sense. It's a bit of an old-fashioned way to say something and it's awesome

And that's how I came to this: 

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

I want to read that book ! 'Eat, shoots and leaves.' By Lynne Truss. Then I can work on my English punctuation. Always good, ain't it?

Okay. Enough of that. It's been so long since I blogged about something. And I kind of want to blog about a lot of things, but at the same time I don't. Because I want to sleep right now.
I still need to think about a lot of stuff. And my exams are next week, and my feelings are driving me crazy.

I just watched like an entire season of Glee - season 3 - and half of season 4.. so yeah.. that's awesome. And I'm like singing all day and I love it. But I'm driving my mom crazy. And I just saw episode 1 from The Vampire Diaries. And let me say a few things: 1 Stephenie Meyer definitely read The Vampire Diaries by LJ Smith first, before she wrote Twilight  2 I hate Damien. And he is pretty creepy. And the fangs, seriously guys; the fangs and the dark eyes and the fog. Are you kidding me? It's creepy okay? and 3 I'm not sure if this is a good idea for me to watch. Because I can't handle creepy very well.

You know, I'm always full of good advise, always here to cheer someone up, but I asking you this: why the heck doesn't it work on me? Why doesn't my pep talk work on myself?
I can tell myself everyday to go start living today, to make the best out of my life. To enjoy every moment, do silly things. To be ready for the future, which is going to be beautiful. But oh no, what do I do? I'm at home watching Glee and searching the internet for stuff about English punctuation. Why the heck do I do that?
I'm losing my sanity for some boy I don't even really know.. I'm miles and miles away from my friends, lockup in my room with my phone, a laptop, a paper, a pen, a guitar and A LOT of study books..
And that's supposed to help me get through my exams. Well, I'll enlighten you: I doesn't work that way !!
Not with me, not today, not next week, not ever. 
It sucks okay. 
I hate it. I hate feeling like this.

I'm sorry if this has a bit of a depressing ending. It's okay, I'm  fine. 
And this was also every random. So if you're okay with that, that's cool.

Good night, people of the world.
It feels good to be blogging:)
Writing it off, you know. 

Once a pirate, always a pirate,
Hannah

Ps: I want to be out there with you.