Thoughts from places // december 2nd 2015

I wrote this today because I saw this meme, that's what the kids call it, right?
It said: 'Everyone has problems, just not everyone chooses to share them online.'
It's purpose? Mocking those who post 'whining' stuff, I guess. And people who post stuff that asks for attention and pity.
People mock those people, because they realise/or think they are correct to say that Facebook isn't the place for that.
Now I know that you can make your life seems so much greater online, than it is in real life. That's why I wrote this poem. About what I see around me and what friends of mine go through.
If you recognise yourself in anything I wrote, don't hesitate to talk to some one you trust.

Isn't it great to see online
That everyone has a greater life than you do
And even I, typing while crying,
Because my parents are fighting again,
Smile on a selfie to show you the perfect world,
While getting yelled at by my boss,
Working very hard in school,
Telling you about the one funny thing that happened,
While hoping not to get caught by the bullies on my way home

Using expensive makeup in the most literal sense,
To camouflage the bruise on my chin,
Put there by my alcoholic dad,
While bragging about all of the makeup I can buy,
Because I steal the cash that he leaves lying around the house,

Isn't it great to see online
That everyone has a greater life than you do
And even I, crying while typing,
Because my parents are fighting again,
Smile on a selfie to show you the perfect world,
While I'm tormenting myself for not being the best in class,
Proudly showing you the pictures of me fitting in that size-0-dress,
While making myself giving up all food,
Shallow talk on my Facebook wall about that day in the mall with my mom,
While never hearing her say the words 'I love you',
Only the paralysing words 'You really need to try harder, you need to be healthier, thinner, prettier, smarter.'
And never once getting to take a breath and say
'This is me, it's the best I got. I like me and I hope you like me, too. But if you don't, that's okay. It's not my problem.
And also: I understand what you're going through, because I've been there, too.'

Isn't it great to realise
that everyone has problems,
Except no one dares to show them online,
And even I, know etiquette of the online world,
But now I smile,
Triumphantly,
Because I can proudly say:
'This is me, it's the best I got. I like me and I hope you like me, too. But if you don't, that's okay. It's not my problem.
And also: I understand what you're going through, because I've been there, too.'

And now,
I could go on and on creating images. But you might be able to fill them in yourself.
I hope you find yourself and find the life that was set out for you. You are stronger than your think and more loved than you ever imagined.

Love,

Hannah

Pain moves me into Your arms // 1 december 2015

I don't know what loss does to you
I don't know what pain does to you
when you feel like no grace is left for you
when the world takes all your breaths away

Pain moves me into Your arms
my tears move me to lean onto You
my broken heart only wants Your comfort
it doesn't need the emptiness of this world

when I feel like I am to be nearly broken
when I feel like I have no where to go
I know that my God is the only one unbroken
I know that You are the place I can call home

I don't know how you get through
I don't know how to stand on my two feet
how do you live when life seems so pointless
how do you love when love is nowhere to be found

when I feel like I am to be nearly broken
when I feel like I have no where to go
I know that my God is the only one unbroken
I know that You are the place I can call home

I know that you feel the pain I feel, too
I know that you feel like you have no place to go
I know that we feel like we both need the other
and I know that we both need a home

so come with me 
I'll bring you to my Father
my God, who is always close
so come with me
and we'll pray together, while crying
it is the only thing I know to do

Pain moves me into Your arms
my tears move me to lean onto You
my broken heart only wants Your comfort
it doesn't need the emptiness of this world

And this I know, 
it is going to my heavenly Father
crying while He holds me so tight
screaming and falling to pieces
when I feel like I am to be nearly broken
when i feel like i have no where to go
I know that my God is the only one unbroken
I know that You are the place I can call home

December 1st, 2015
David died today. And although I didn't know him that well, he is my best friend's uncle. It just hurts to feel her pain and pain of everyone around me loosing people they love. And I don't understand it. And I have so many questions. That's why I wrote this. 

The scripture says, in psalms 91 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” 
And I know you believed and trusted Him. That's why I believe that you're now with Him. It just hurts. It hurts so bad.

What is home.

You often hear a word around town about the big cities. How they never sleep. Well, I think this is actually true now I’m here in this city. So alive it almost hurts. Sometimes I get confused. ‘In which city am I exactly?’ But the souvenir shops never fail to let me know; as they are screaming: LONDON CITY BABY. You’re in London, silly.

With its American diners, Japanese take-aways, Thai lunchrooms, Garfunkel’s and Nando’s. The artists never fail to surprise me. And history is always there to support me, ‘Did this actually happen?’ You walk into some museum (You can just walk in, because they’re practically all free) and it immediately lets you know: ‘Yep. It did.’

When I get lost, which is more often than I would like to admit, because I’m SUCH a city girl, there will always be an Underground station to tell me where I am and where to go to get back on track.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve walked for hours and then suddenly Charing Cross station, my familiar Charing Cross station, pops up and lets me know with a shrug that I’ve been walking in circles for at least 45 minutes already.

Whether they admit it or not, everybody comes to the city looking for something. Where it’s adventure, romance, familiarity, traces of the past, a career or just some place to call home. Everybody is looking for something

You can feel awfully alone in a big and crowded city such as this one and I speak from experience. You can go unnoticed for a day or two. You can come without telling anyone. And leave, without telling anyone

The clouds had their silver spark and the sun infected the sky with her red, yellow and purple dye. The ombre effects spread through the sky, mixed with the blue sky as background all kinds of colors turn up. As I walked down one of the many bridges over the Themes, a beautiful, breathtaking picture was weaved over the waters and the skyline of this amazing city. And I couldn’t help but stop and stare as the world moved past me. I wish I could freeze this moment and relive it when I got home.

I wished for a lot of things when I stood there. Pressured into walking a few steps, I do so. The wind chasing the sunbeams and as it is the first day of November, it was a cold but cheerful wind.

I hope to see that sight again, you know, with my special person: you. But I also want to show it to my mum and my dad and my sisters. I want to share it with the ones that are special to me. Because being there on that bridge, looking over something so awesome, made me feel special.

Entering the Southbank made me feel uncool. All the coolness that I still felt in me vaporized; guys in baggy sweaters and shirts and beanies, with skateboards.

Being part of something special makes you special, right? Right? The skaters and skateboarders on the edge of the Southbank along the Themes looked like they were part of something, maybe something bigger than themselves. And they looked content. They didn’t mind the people watching. When one fell it was okay. Maybe even cool: Just get back up and move on. That’s a lesson learned, I guess: Fall, laugh, learn, stand up, move on, do it again and again. That’s what makes you only human and it makes you stronger. Maybe you take on a few scars, but every one of them would represent a life lesson. I wish I could be part of it though, but I moved on not wanting to wonder and stay in this state of mind to long.

I wished you were here, on that river side. Wished you were there to hold me and wish, wonder and learn with me.

I wish I could show you all the sweet little places we could have tea together. The place we could kiss and laugh and talk about our past, present and future, together.

Because although this city starts to feel like it could be home: A beautiful, restless home. I’d never really feel at home, without you.

The famous Covent Garden came on my path much unexpected. Reminding me it’s ‘almost’ Christmas, as there was an in-your-face, big-ass Christmas tree on the spot. And reminding me ever so gently that although I love people, I’m not really font of big crowds and to define those moments on the Jubilee Marked and a little stroll through Coven Garden even more: it was crowded.

And now finally after a shameful meal at McDonalds, as I just felt hungry, tired and lost, I’m back on the Southeastern line, headed back to my lovely bed, thinking about my life here in the Greater city.

I miss home, but if I would be home I would miss this. And what would I call home, if I’d go live in Paris next year…

For now London is my home. Although I still have to make myself believe this.

Less than three,

A teacher to be,

Hannah

Past tense, future outcome

I look back, and smile. Because then I see you and you smile to me too, to remind me of the good times we had, the laughter and happiness and tears and lipgloss we shared, 
I look back, and smile, which is a good thing. Not to look forward and forget, but to remember and to grow from the times we spend being silly. 
Ditching classes, eating chocolate, laughing till our tummies hurt, braiding hair, learning sign language,
but maybe more importantly for me: learning about myself, my boundaries, what do I want from life, what do I want from myself, how can I be a Godly-woman today. How to make choices, to take a wrong turn,
and than I met you. So is 'wrong turn' the right term.. ?
I'm so glad I met you and I look back at so many wonderful memories.
Thank you for everything.
x x x your friend

and many more. I love you. X X